they cry over…like, everything.
One time I made a vegetarian cry. I felt kind of bad, but…come on…they cry over like, everything. Yep, it’s story time.
So I was a pretty hard core 4-H kid. I mean, everything I do is hardcore, so I had to inject my metalness into the local 4-H branch. (Poplar Valley, if you care.) I vaguely remember being Vice-President for a while, and I’m pretty sure I was President during my senior year. But I digress. Since I was a beef rancher’s daughter (which, incidentally, makes me like a million times more hardcore) I obviously excelled in the Market Beef project. Every year, I whipped my Angus-Gelbviegh into shaped, named it something hilarious, killed at the carcass show and cleaned house at showmanship. I rocked that project.
I also rocked 4-H Congress, making tons of friends in the process. Generally, 4-H kids are the awesomest you’re ever gonna meet. There are, like with everything, exceptions to this observation. One of those exceptions happened to be in one of my workshop groups. She argued with everything anyone said, and for some insane reason, acted like she wasn’t completely ecstatic to be at 4-H Congress. (I know, WTF?) Anyways, she just happened to be in front of me in the lunch line. Since we 4-Hers love us some sammichs, they provided a variety of subs for us to choose from. I, being awesome, picked the roast beef sub. But Little Miss…let’s call her Peta, did not think this was that awesome. In fact, she thought I was right up there with Hitler. Here is a recreation of our conversation:
Peta: Oh my god! How can you live with yourself? You choose to live on FLESH?
Me: …um…what?
Peta: I can’t believe you’re actually choosing to eat beef. You’re supporting the suffering of animals.
Me: …yeah…no I’m not.
Peta: You know, people don’t need FLESH to survive. By taking supplements you can get all the nutrition you need and no animals have to die. Also, do you have any ideas how many chemicals go into the processing of those animals? (She takes a bite of her veggie sub and sips her Pepsi, of all things.)
Me: Okay, so we’re really gonna do this. *sigh*. All right. First off, it’s been proven that supplements cannot provide the proper amount of iron and protein that you get from beef. Second of all, very few chemicals go into meat processing. A lot less than that Pepsi you’re drinking. I’ve watched the whole thing done. Thirdly, these animals didn’t suffer. I know exactly how cattle are brought up; I’ve been living around it since I was born.
Peta: Those animals don’t deserve to die just for our consumption.
Me: Then what do you propose they do? Should all livestock just be set free? Would it be better for them to be on their own, which they haven’t done in living memory? Yeah, I’m sure their survival skills are top notch. Do you realize how ranchers have to work just to keep cattle alive? Cows are stupid and just die. In twenty years they would be extinct from being unable to survive any winters on their own. And those deaths would be long, starving and painful. Why do you want them to suffer like that?
Peta: Well…I mean…
Me: Besides, more animals were killed in the process of making that hoagie your veggie sub is on. Do you have any idea how many animals are killed in the process of harvesting of the wheat for that hoagie? Rabbits, gophers, birds…mass combines don’t exactly stop everything to make sure they get out of the way.
Peta:…I…well….you’re eating one too!
Me: Yeah. I don’t have a problem with it. That’s Darwin for ya.
Peta: I guess…well…I didn’t realize that…
Peta then storms away, leaving her lunch with tears in her eyes, her shit having thoroughly been ruined.
That’s what happened. Nicole one, vegetarians zero. Look, I have no problem with what you choose to do with your body. If you think meat is murder, you go right ahead and think that. Whatevs, more power to ya. But don’t try and get sanctimonious with me, because every argument you have I can counter with three. And don’t try and tell me you’re healthy enough, because chances are you’re not. (Or won’t be for long.) And please, do not tell me how long you’ve gone without eating meat. I don’t care. To quote Jim Gaffigan, “Oh, you haven’t eaten meat in four years? Well I haven’t had a banana in a month. You don’t hear me bragging about it.”
And don’t e-mail me about being vegetarian with your arguments for anything I’ve written about vegetarians. Because I’ll probably just make you cry.
